Written by Jon Plocher
At some point in time, the death of a loved one will affect everyone. However, when children experience this trauma, they may be ill-equipped to cope with the changes. Here are some tips for how Lutheran teachers can support grieving students.
How Death Affects Children
While children show grief in many different ways, they are more likely to act out their feelings rather than talk about them (Velazquez-Cordero, 1996, p. 2). A child may exhibit regressive behavior by acting more immature or suffering separation anxiety (Richart, n.d.). Others may detach from their feelings to deal with their pain (emotional numbing) (Richart, n.d.). Because they feel helpless and hopeless about the circumstances, many children will begin to act out with problematic behavior in an attempt to gain control over their lives. There are also certain differences in the way younger children react compared to preteen/teenagers. Young children who have experienced the loss of a loved one may repeat the same questions over and over because they are having a hard time comprehending what has happened (Richart, n.d.). Older children are more likely to act out in ways that can be harmful to their bodies, such as engaging in risky behavior or abusing drugs/alcohol as a means of numbing their pain (Richart, n.d.).
While many adults may have concerns for the grieving child, often they are not sure of what to say or do to help. Unfortunately this hesitancy can cause a person to simply say nothing to the child out of fear that more emotional harm will be caused. As a result the child is left feeling even more alone.
What Can Be Done?
Research indicates that a large number of children who experience the death of a loved one experience emotional and physical turmoil, and that the school family can do a better job of helping them cope with their loss. In dealing directly with the grieving student, teachers can do the following in order to meet that goal.
It is important that teachers give bereaved students opportunities to express their feelings by encouraging them to ask questions about death (Wolfelt, n.d.). The student can express himself, and the teacher can correct any false ideas the child might have regarding death. It is also important for the teacher to respond honestly when the student asks questions (Richart, n.d.). If a student realizes that the teacher is not being truthful, it can lead to more confusion and anger. Teachers should also strive to answer in developmentally appropriate ways (Velazquez-Cordero, 1996. p. 5). The teacher doesn’t want to add to the child’s confusion by bringing up topics they are incapable of understanding.
Educators should go out of their way to make accommodations regarding the child’s schoolwork (Richart, n.d.). Patience is needed in order to give the student time to grieve and resume the normal speed of life again. Everyone goes through the mourning process at a different rate, so teachers should try not to put too much pressure on a student too soon.
Educators should teach the student coping mechanisms to use when they are hurting. These could include providing a quiet place for the child or connecting them with a person they can go see (pastor, secretary, counselor) to help them ease the pain of loss (Richart n.d.). If the child is uncomfortable talking, teachers can encourage them to keep a journal where they can write down their feelings.
On the professional level, teachers and/or other members of the school’s staff can receive training in grief counseling. This can be done through a variety of venues including many online courses. In this way those who are caring for the child can become more aware of the resources and techniques that exist to assist them. If bereavement counseling is too much, teachers can refer the child’s parents to grief counselors (Wolfelt, n.d.).
Most importantly, teaching at a Christian school gives us the opportunity to help children deal with their grief in a unique way. We can teach them how people from the Bible have dealt with painful loss (King David’s baby boy, Lazarus, etc.) by relying on the Lord. The ultimate salve for a grieving child is the constant reminder that God still loves us and has prepared a place in heaven for all believers through his Son.
Jon Plocher (DMLC ’95) serves as teacher of grades 6-8 at King of Kings Lutheran School in Garden Grove, California. He is enrolled in MLC’s Master of Science in Education with an emphasis in leadership.
References
Richart, K. (n.d.). How to: Help your students deal with grief and loss. Retrieved from http://teaching.monster.com/benefits/articles/1927-how-to-help-your-students-deal-with-grief-and-loss
Velazquez-Cordero, M. (1996). First grade teacher’s feelings about discussing death in the classroom and suggestions to support them. Retrieved from http://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED438031.pdf
Wolfelt, A. (n.d.). Helping Grieving Children at School. Retrieved from http://www.massfda.org/Files/Griefwords%20-%20Helping%20Children%20&%20Teens/Helping%20Grieving%20Children%20at%20 School.pdf
Over the years we have had several students have a parent die. It is a difficult thing for a close-knit school to experience. I agree with and thank you for many of the ideas you highlight in your paper, but would simply add that in these moments of grieving we really also need to reach out to our students’ surviving parent (or parents if it is another relative that has died). Our greatest impact on helping our students grieve, was by supporting and helping their grieving parent(s). We can do many things in the classroom, but by understanding grieving and the grieving process, we can also bring comfort and encouragement to the home. Daily communication about what was happening at home and in the classroom helps teachers and parents alike work with the grieving student. It helped us as a school minister to the entire family instead of supporting just a singular student. We grieve individually in differing ways, but we also grieve in tandem with our family members.